I don't even know where to begin...
Well, the past week I had off for several days...I went out far too much...which actually was only 3 times but in my mind equates to far too much I suppose. I then came to realization today that that the life I used to live 1 year ago really wasn't that great. Running around with my same old crew only made me realize that they are all in the exact same place as they were 3 years ago. Not one of them have spiritually grown or furthered themselves in society in the least bit. And I'm not one to declare the trappings of our society and further the horror of our culture but you know what I'm getting at. In the last year I realized that there are more important things in life than having fun. Fun is good and should be included in an individuals mental and emotional diet frequently but it isn't what life is about. But then what is life about????? I guess I have not quite figured that one out yet but so far I'm starting to realize that for me I am in a horrible and unsatisfied state of being. Lets just establish one thing before I proceed... I am fulfilled emotionally due to my lovely doll of a son Jurrien and so therefore for the first time in my life I don't want a boyfriend. I absolutely don't want one. I am stringless and feel great being single and free. I love men and sex but I don't want a relationship. I have loads of freedom and do not need or desire a relationship in the least bit. If I were to find one, I would shun it... Because I have no want for one. But let me go on with my rant...
I am happy quite often, do not get me wrong. But I am in an awful state of mind. Our society and culture are making me feel like I am trapped. I am unsatisified and let me explain why. Everyday our shit is the same. We get up, shower, have a bagel or some coffee and then go to work. I like my job and it pays well but I don't want to be trapped there just because I need to pay a fucking bill here or there. Oh sure I can do something else but once I do it will be right back to same old fucking repition of get up at this certain time, have a bottled water, and then drive to work with all the other insects of society to my job, be it whatever it may be... Oh sure I can hang with Jurrien when I get home which is my favorite part of my day or I can go see a film on the weekend or play some violin. But that is all just a speck of free time that we allow ourselves to have so that we all don't go fucking insane with the other 95% of our lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Our weekly repition!!!!!!!!!!! Shyt!!!!!!!!!! Am I like the only one that is pissed off about this!??!?!!?!? Am I the only one at a great sense of unrest!?!?!?!? Am I the only one sick and fucking tired of foraging for our societal tree bark/nuts/and berries just to store them up fucking eat them and then have to do the whole fucking thing over again next year!?!?!?!? I am suffocating with life!!!!! I need to just grow some damn wings and soar off into the great fucking beyond where I can go and do as I would like at will, never fearing the lack of anything or watching shyyyyt ass tv/magazines/commercials that only exist to let me see all the things that I cannot or will never be. Which only serve a purpose to show me the sexy men I will never have, the sexy body I will never posesss, the awesome sports car I will never own, and the celebrity lifestyle that I will never be a part of. And I don't even want that shit really. But my entire culture WANTS ME TO WANT THAT!!!!! And I'm so fucking sick of it!!!!! I need to drink some fucking tea (green tea my fav) and chill the fuck out!!!!! Laters...
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6 comments:
i feel u to the core on this! damn our shitty ass lives. i belive u are at what we call a crossroads in life. u had the box office love story passion relationship then had the child of your dreams and let me say that i mean that in the very sense. jurrien is literly a perfect baby. he is beautiful. i know most people always tell others that their kids are nice looking and do not really mean it but I actualy mean it. he is like an angel to look at in person. his skin is such a perfect shade and with those rosy cheeks. i like your description of him as a doll cause he is really that.
off of subject anywho, u have this emotions that fulfill u and now that u are satisfied in the soul u are examining ur purpose in life. ur belly is literally full of human wealth like a good job and wonderful child and u look smashing. u have maintaind and in my opinion u are more beautiful now than before. i think u have the typical things most people want all their lives and struggle to get so now u are saying well now what? what now do i want now? whats left? this is a spiritual journey as u usually tell me and im sure u will go through many phases figuring ur place in life. ta ta my love!
I love your analizations, be they correct or not ;) Hahaha
But you are right, I have what I want in life and now I'm kind of like "Now what the hell is left?????" I'm young and attractive and have what I want...so whats next????? It's like I told my mom over a hot cup of tea the other day...I said there are 5 people out there out of every 10 million that have an actual purpose i life...The rest of us are just fillers...Set to go bout in our lives and just take up space with no real purpose but to live,eat,mate, make cash, and die...Then my mother had the audacity to ask me what I am...which I responded as "I'm an obvious filler"...
nice read. I would love to follow you on twitter.
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